Pondering

Sunday evening. Keith, Andrea and Mathew drive away with a trailer load of our belongings, boxed ever so neatly, bumping along behind them. Another weekend of joy, hanging out, catching up on events and checking in with each other emotionally, has come to an end.
How much longer? How many more weeks spent living separate lives and weekends traveling to reunite? I wonder this countless times daily, hourly… Simultaneously, thanking God for gifting me with a family I love so much that it's so painful to be apart from. I am trying to be patient, to wait in Him. Some moments I do so well, trusting Him, knowing that He will guide and protect us. Other times I find myself frantically grasping for a solution to this situation we have created.
The logical, analytical side of me searches for reasons for the delay and lessons we need to learn. I tell myself there's a reason for everything so what is represented by this episode in our lives? I think back over the months since this separation has begun. What have we learned? So many clichés come to mind, but most of them true nonetheless. We all learned we have too much stuff and that life is easier and neater without all of it. (see…total cliché) We've learned how much we mean to each other and have even gotten closer as a family. We've learned we can live through really tough times and still treasure each other and the love we all share. I believe we've been reminded of the things that are most important~each other.
I've also learned that I can be my own worst enemy. There are so many things I'd like to learn to do that I tend to do none of them because I'm spending so much time trying to figure out which one to do! It's sounds insane, I know, but it's true.
People say 'follow your passion'. These seem like sound words of wisdom. But what if you have many passions? Or what if you judge your passion? What if your passion isn't something you can figure out a way to follow? And where am I following it to? What is down the path of passion? And while I'm following this so called passion what am I to do with my logic and reason?
Let me give you an example. They do always seem to make things clearer. One thing I'm passionate about, am absolutely overflowing with, is a passion to sing. I swear I was born with it. I will sing anything….tunes just seem to etch themselves indelibly into my mind. It can be a stupid, idiotic tune from a commercial and it's in there to stay. Mostly, however, I love to worship! I love it. Praise and worship! There is no thing or no one better to sing to/about then Jesus. When I'm worshipping I am the most alive; the most at peace; simply me. I generally wake each morning with a different song playing in my head. I break into song spontaneously throughout each day. It's in there and big part of who I am.
But, how do I follow that? I've sung in chorus in school as a kid, in the choir at my childhood church and in my present day church's worship team. But I'm no singer. It's not like people would want to pay to hear this voice or that I would really want them to. Getting paid to sing seems a bit odd. I do love to inspire others to worship though; now that I think about it. I've also always secretly wanted to take voice lessons so the sounds being emitted from my mouth actually are worth hearing. But I've never done so.
I've also always wanted to learn to play the piano. I took a year of lessons as a child but was forced to finally quit for lack of a piano at home on which to practice. I was absolutely in love with playing the piano. As an adult, I inherited my Aunt Mary's piano, even. And yet, here I sit typing away and never have I taken the first step towards mastering those ivory keys.
I have wanted to be a doctor since I was two! Really, two! I have a passion for helping people and a knack/knowing of what to do to help them. I chose my husband and kids, instead; believing if I wanted to be the best mom and wife possible I shouldn't try to be the best doctor possible, too. And of course, being a mediocre or average doctor wasn't an option.
Wow! I think I have successfully wandered way off course here. Passion. Passions. I have plenty. I'm passionate about loving God, being the best wife and mom possible, helping others through really tough times, singing, learning, and really living.
So, after all of this ridiculous babbling I've have decided that I will make a list of these passions and truly work on each of them. I will learn how to best use the vocal instrument I have. I will learn to tickle those ivory keys with love and determination. I will make a decision soon on whether to take EMT courses or counseling or both! (I love trauma…I don't love that it happens but it's one thing I excel at handling).
I will take my own advice. I've heard myself say it to my kids and my friends. The worst thing that can happen isn't trying and failing. The worst thing would be never trying.