i want to feel beautiful

I want to be beautiful
and make you stand in awe
look inside my heart
and be amazed
i want to hear you say
who i am is quite enough
i just want to be worthy of love
and beautiful
~bethany dillon

these words bring tears to my eyes almost immediately. a lump forms in my throat and my heart quickens and stops all at the same time. why? because at the core of me i don't feel good enough, i don't feel beautful or worthy. i long to know that i am, that my worth and value is not measured by how well i keep my home, raise my children, balance finances, or creatively produce valued belongings from other people's trash. i need to know that i am enough, just as god made me. that i have value. somewhere along the line in my life that belief was derailed in my heart. my head tells me god loves me for who i am and died for me. that he created me and i am wondrously fashioned...the only kathy he will ever make just like me. so why doesn't that ring in my heart. why am i always feeling like i have to prove myself or live up to someone else's expectations? why do i care so much what other people think? as a child i just wanted to be told i was beautiful just the way i was. i was taller than most, heavier than most, had the thickest glasses and the most unruly hair. but i have seen pictures that show beautiful blue eyes that twinkled with merriment, a big smile with matching chubby cheeks, cutesy little hands and long, thick blonde hair. if that little girl was standing next to me now i would so want to just pick her up and squoosh her! very cutesy. i was smart too. loved to learn, always wanting to know more. and my very favorite question of all time was a three letter word....why.
so how do i see that in pictures and have this in my heart. what happened along the way? life. a life that wasn't always filled with him. a life lead by parents and surrogate parents that weren't following him. a society and culture that were saturated in selfish pleasure. humanity. too much ugliness, disappointment and sorrow. stories for another blog...perhaps.
i'm so very thankful i finally found christ, my saviour, my rock. he never changes. he never abandons me. he always lifts me up or carries me. he encourages me. he loves me unconditionally. he teaches me anything i want to know. he corrects and guides me when i get in my own way. he is the ultimate shepherd. through all the storms in my life and through all the delight in my life, he is constant and strong. would that i had him with me from the beginning instead of trying things out by myself. that old adage, 'no man is an island', is so very true. people quote it to show they need other people, but i need my jesus. i can't live without him. i know...i tried.
i ended up in the deepest darkest pit a person can be in. there was very literally no where to go but up. i was beyond sorrow, beyond anger, beyond despair. to say i felt unworthy of him is the world's largest understatement of all time. i felt so dirty, so wretched that i almost didn't accept him! i remember so clearly, as though it were only yesterday, kneeling, sobbing. i wanted to ask him into my heart. i wanted to accept his gift of salvation. i wanted to reach out and take his blessed gift, but i could only feel the weight of my ickiness, my sin, my darkness. i felt so incredibly unworthy, so disgusting, so ashamed. i didn't want that to touch him, ever. but therein lies the rub. it already had. the day he sacrificed himself for me, the day he died for me, that day he felt the weight and the ugliness of all my sin and shame. he had felt it, tasted it, bore it before even i had. that thought made me sob even harder. so finally through my sobs and brokenness, i asked him to come and live in my heart, to lead me daily, i thanked him for his incredible sacrifice, for his perfect gift, for his forgiveness. i remember quite vividly how different i felt. i had an immediate physical and emotional change. i felt an odd feeling in the top of my head and also the most immense relief.
he is soooooooo beautiful and amazing to me. and i am, to him! it's an amazing truth. one that has taken years to grow into truth in my heart. but i know i am significant. that i am loved. that i am special. that i am treasured and mostly, that i am his. i am known...maybe not to many people, but to him, i am fully known. it is a very freeing place to live. though these truths have taken root in my heart and are growing, they haven't quite grown to the size of a mighty oak just yet. i know they will. for i am his princess and i am proud to be his.
just as i could so relate to the chorus of this song, i love that i can sing the last verse in truth. these words are so true for me. i love you lord! thank you

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Beautiful - Bethany Dillon