Dad

I'm not, by nature, a "dweller". I actually tend to push past my feelings and experiences and rush to the new ones. But this morning, once again, I woke thinking of my dad. Fully realizing this was 'the' day. Six years ago today was the last time I heard his voice. It was the last conversation we ever had, the last time I would hear him call me "Sweets". Monday, December 12, 2005 was the day my dad died. Thankfully, it was not the day our love died. I can still feel his love for me and mine for him is as deep as ever. I'm so grateful we don't lose that love the day our earthly goodbyes are said.

Grief is a funny thing. Some people will tell you it gets better with time. That it will slowly lessen and fade. I have not found this to be true at all. Rather I have found that grief can be as strong today as the day I first felt it. At times, grief can be mind-bogglingly powerful, literally overwhelming in its depth. Grief is different than sadness. Sadness, like happiness is circumstantial and can be changed. Grief, grief is forever. Grief is the indelible mark borne on your soul. Grief doesn't negate the love or the person lost, rather it commemorates that love. It stands firm stating for all to see that it was a love that was beyond value, a love that forever changed you, could never be forgotten and was more than worth the pain now felt because they have moved on.

Dad, you are in so many moments of my life, even still. Smiles burst across my face at the memories of your funny quirks and loving ways. Your hands I simply adored, your crazy bowlegged stance I could spot in any crowd, it was the way I knew just which sailor on that huge aircraft carrier deck was my dad. I can see you laying on the floor with your beer and cheese taking in the golf tournament or sitting there letting the girls 'fix' your hair. Your 'papa omelets' are still epic in our house. You taught me to fish, to try new foods, the value of uncompromising loyalty, that deep abiding convictions can be silently honored, that actions speak so much louder than words ever will and mostly, that genetics have absolutely nothing to do with the depth of love you can have for a child. Thank you for calling me your own. Oh, the love you poured into us in such a short time is amazing. Thank you for that, too. Thank you for the 'you-ness' that will never be replaced. Thank you for truly loving me and making me feel so special. I miss you! ~kath