i'm soooo tired. my whole, literally, whole body aches. i'm pondering, wondering, trying to gain some insight, some new knowledge, some wisdom or truth that i've not yet learned. something, anything that's not glib, or trite. something more than the standard,"she's in a better place", "you were there for a reason, even if it's unknown", something deeper than, "some good will come from this somehow". while those may be true, they can seem so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things...in comparison to a young life dashed from the earth way to young, leaving a broken, grieving family in it's wake. a father who will forever know that whether it was his error or not, he was the one behind the wheel piloting the vehicle when it slammed into a forest on the side of a busy interstate. he will live the remainder of his life with the realization that he was able to be pulled from the twisted, compacted, burning wreckage while his daughter was held captive by the mangled metal, pinned between it and an unyielding tree. a mother locked in her worst nightmare, watching in utter horror and disbelief, completely helpless to save her precious child she'd borne, nurtured, loved and cherished. locked in a nightmare where no one spoke a language familiar to her and yet was there anything they could have said? how does she embrace the gratitude of having a husband saved from the flames while mourning a daughter lost to the wreckage? a daughter watching from a car window as her family is ripped apart and changed forever...why wasn't i riding with dad...oh my god that could have been me...what will i do without my sister?
i wonder and rail at the viciousness of a truck driver who seeing a truck engulfed in flames, refuses to lend his fire extinguisher to the cause; instead driving away as a stranger chases him begging for the red, lifesaving canister. is a delivery so important? a life so inconsequential? what has happened to a man to make his heart so hard?
holding her hand, praying, willing life into her, the sound of blood and air mixing in an all-too-real gurgle. praying, demanding life, claiming this girl for the kingdom, completely aware but focused on only one thing, not noticing the 100 degree weather or the seemingly endless time we stood praying, singing, claiming. we stood with angels, surrounded by the holy spirit that day as she left us for the kingdom. i pray that in as much as the lord was there within us, working through us, that she felt his everlasting love, i believe she did. i believe as we prayed for and claimed life that day, it was her eternal life that was granted not her earthly life.
how does it figure into the grand scheme of things? the master plan? what good will really come from this? we may never know these answers. but each moment produced a ripple, a ripple that is still moving. where will they go, who will they touch, how far will they carry continuing to wash over those in their paths?
i know one thing.. i wouldn't change one thing that we did. i, we, did what we did automatically, learning once again, that helping people is ingrained, instinctive and done without forethought or motive. i need to, i want to, it's who i am. people...we are a motley crew to say the very least. most times we don't see the value in each other or in ourselves. god does though and only god knows why. i pray my will would be his will and they would line up as much as is possible while i'm in this world. and i do honestly long for the day when i can fall at his feet, and be held in his arms, wrapped in his love. not in a sick demented "i want to die" way, but in an "i'm so tired of being away from home" way.
i wish i could say this experience has made me a better person or gave me some deep, mind-bending insight. the truth is simple, the truth is, it is what it is, no more, no less. god is in control. when we screw up he can still use it for good, we don't need to know why, we don't need to know how. we are simply to continue in faith as a small child, knowing in our hearts if we allow him, he will direct our steps. if we depend on him he will lead us. if we seek him, we will find him. if we praise, worship and honor him in the wonderful moments and in the dark ones, he will change our hearts. and ever so slowly, we will become more like him.
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